K is for Konfessions

Dearest food,

I'm sorry, it's not you, it's me. I think we need a break. It's been good, I mean great 25, 26 years but we really need a break, maybe forever. I'm sorry... well sort of. Goodbye my once lover...

I loved food since I was very little, (ed being the key tense here) like since I was 7lbs and minutes old; so it's been a long time. I loved food before I got married. (ed being the key tense again) You might be thinking to yourself, "Hmmm, maybe he is talking about his weight gain." [OCD Sharing Time: All recently married couple gain weight. All Asian people eat rice. All Asian people eat only half serving per day, unless your name is Kobayashi, "the all you can eat hot dog" or a sumo wrestler.] However, you would be sadly mistaken, kind of. Yes, I did gain some weight but I don't think it has anything to do with the amount of food digested, but probably the lack of exercise. I'm putting my money on the dusty gym pass. Anywho, I have parted ways with food all together because I hate doing the dishes. Let me share an equation: food + my belly = me happy. Simple right? [OCD Sharing Time: All Asians are great at math. That's why I was an English major. Suck eggs stereotypes!] Here's another equation: wife + cooking + dishes + dishes + four different spatulas + ten pans + food = my belly ache + phalanges ache + body ache. Yes, it's an exaggeration but not by much. Wait, I forgot two sets, not two measuring cups, two sets of measuring cups. Oh wait, I forgot three tasting spoons, and the dirty wall for checking pasta consistency. I feel like it's Hell's Kitchen every night, except my Gordon Ramsey or whatever his name is, is much better looking, however maybe I would rather have him and his ever-so-emotional cooks, because they would have less dishes, or maybe they would have a designated dish washer, much like designated hitters in baseball, sometimes I feel like a designated dish breaker. [OCD Sharing Time: All Asians love baseball, because they are too feeble to play football. All Asians love Chinese food and love doing dishes.]

Lexi: What do you want for dinner? (thinking: How many spatulas can I use tonight? hmm...)
Me: Oh I ate a late lunch, like ten minutes ago. (It's 5pm.)
Lexi: Why did you do that? (thinking: Idiot!)
Me: Oh, I love food so much and I was hungry, so hungry. (thinking: I hate dishes. Total Cooking Time = 1- 1.5 hr; Total Washing Time [Dishwasher Included] = 30-45 mins... 7 times a week. Again thinking: I hate dishes. I'm sorry dinner, you have to go.)

But, I'm too weak. I only break up to make up. Maybe I got it all wrong. I just need to figure out how I can eat delish food without the all the dishes, 1 hour worth. [OCD Sharing Time: All girls like to cook. All boys have to eat and then do the dishes; I just prefer not to. I just remembered why I ate out so much.]

Here is a picture I need to share...














PS... If you merely say or hint that you want a puppy/baby, you are liar and not ready to be a parent... unless you are ready to steal a baby or maybe part ways with one or more of your body parts, like phalanges or limbs. Until you are ready to make those kind of sacrifices, you should keep your comments to yourself-ves. (I used YOU as an universal YOU, not thinking of anyone in particular.)